(This is a complete rewrite of an earlier draft that was unceremoniously deleted by Squarespace. Remarkably nostalgic platform, insofar as it makes me nostalgic for something with autosave. Like any word processor from the past twenty years.)
One of my most frustrating personal quirks is a refusal to use strategies that seem “unbalanced” or otherwise “unfair.” This might seem like something that only really applies in games and play, and that is where it manifests most frequently; I refuse overpowered weapons, unusually strong characters, and tactics that are provably consistent, simple, and successful. What’s more, I judge those who don’t refuse them rather harshly. Simply put, I insist on winning on my own terms, which often means I just don’t win.
This has popped up to a frustrating degree in my real life as well. Upon earning my associate’s degree, the smart move would have been to land an IT job in my hometown and start building up a savings account. Instead, I moved to an unfamiliar city with a way more crowded job market, and began working at a bank in the midst of a global financial crisis. When I went back to earn my bachelor’s degree, I chose — deliberately — to study journalism, a dying profession in which one cultivates dead mediums. It occurred to me then, and still does, that with just a little more moral flexibility (and most likely agency) I could have pinched my nose, adopted the smarmiest personality I could muster, and studied business instead. But I continue to choose the more difficult path.
The most trite way to wave off these thoughts is the cliche line “winning isn’t everything.” And, true, it’s not. But for as noncompetitive as I am, the fact is that winning is generally more fun. Money can’t buy happiness, true. But it can buy the material conditions that lead to happiness, and honestly I don’t that’s a big enough difference to nitpick.
I know better than to open the door to regret — doing so only leaves one soaking until the flood decides to recede. (Previously I believed to know this, but after the past month I really, really know it.) Though I tend toward dissatisfaction, constantly picking at scabs and seeking small optimization to things that work quite well enough, the truth is that my life is uncommonly good. I live a charmed existence, and that is due at least in part to the decisions that I’ve made along the way. Denying that serves nobody.
And, if I’m being honest, the “easy” approaches I so look down my nose at are probably not that easy. The in-game tactics that I so abhor are only as good as the person who spends time practicing them. The career tracks I passed up require hustle; one need only glance at the post dates over on the episodes page to conclude I terminally lack the attribute.
So I guess the goal of my present rearrangement, then, is to figure out how to win on my own terms, rather than trying to wring hustle from a stationary stone. Maybe I’m making progress; at this point, it’s pretty hard to tell. But I’m not ready to start taking cheap shots just yet.