The portfolio I provide to prospective employers is a link to elsewhere on this website, which makes me slightly hesitant to write on this topic here. But as most of these entries are plainly drivel so self-indulgent that it wouldn’t even be printed by the New Yorker, I’m going to go for it anyway. It can’t hurt me much more than any of the other websites I’m listed on.
Received a rejection to a job application today, one that stings quite a bit more than most. Without getting into specifics, it’s a job at a place that is on its face exciting, though working there and learning how the sausage is made would probably leave me disillusioned.
The exciting possibilities, in my experience, are the ones that never seem to pan out. There’s not many of these in my history, but each had me emboldened; giddy at the chance to contribute to an organization whose work I admire. In these cases I did well initially, made it through one or more rounds of consideration, only to wash out with no explanation. The experience isn’t devastating — I habitually anticipate worst case scenarios — but it doesn’t feel great. In this most recent example I even managed to fantasize a bit about what that job might be like, which frankly isn’t easy for me in the first place.
That leaves the rest of my working life, which (save a couple noteworthy exceptions) has mostly been spent adrift, taking whatever job I’m offered. The overall trend has been upward, better jobs, higher pay, but no sense of accomplishment, no feeling that I’m getting closer to the kind of work I want to be doing. (If you’re a prospective or current employer, well, I’m sorry you had to find out this way. It doesn’t mean I hate working there, or that I would.)
Ultimately, work is an area that feels like I’m spinning my wheels; not exactly ideal when, in my mind, I also feel wheelspin much of the time. Not an area my partner is especially helpful in, unfortunately — out of necessity she’s approached work with a tactical eye, and as such doesn’t have much patience for my sullen, work-as-a-requirement view of things. Ah, well. It is still a requirement, I still persist. I do my best. It’d be nice if it didn’t feel like such a strain though.